The dread

It happens every time. I go in for juicing, then set the date for the next one and work my diary around that. As the date approaches, I am filled with dread that won't go away. I hate the juicings. I hate the needles. Most of all I hate the side effects that always happen. But I have no choice; I have to just push myself and do it.

Had to have a couple of blood tests in the last two weeks. Those are relatively easy to procrastinate by a few days, but eventually I have to do them. They actually weren't so bad - good operators who do the small talk to distract me as I stare up at the ceiling. And afterwards, it doesn't seem as bad as the anticipation warranted. But that doesn't reduce it at all.

I have to consciously push out those feelings of dread as the juicing day approaches. I have my little rituals: go in to the office for a quiet cup of tea before taking a taxi to the hospital. Take it easy afterwards and usually book a massage for the afternoon, and reserve the next day or so as rest. Does it help? Who knows. Does it reduce my anxiety and dread? Sadly, no.

So off we go again tomorrow.

Plenty Happening

It's been a while since I've posted, and it's been an interesting few months. Since coming back from Mayo, we decided to reduce the dosage, so I've been on 33g (just one day) every 3.5 weeks. The other thing we tried was to switch to Octagam instead of Intragram P (an Australian product) in an attempt to test whether this would make any difference to side effects.

The usual side effects still seem to be happening - headaches and fluey feeling. Last treatment - about 10 days ago, there was nausea as well, so it wasn't very pleasant! While the strength tests I use seem to indicate the usual small spike after receiving treatment, something else has been happening over the last few weeks.

My right hand has become somewhat inflamed - the middle finger in particular. There is a noticeable weakness and fatigue in the hand when I use it, so much so that it gets quite sore by the end of a work day. After going for a power walk, my entire right hand feels very bloated. I have switched mouse hands to my left in an attempt to use the right hand less - that has been a huge challenge! My general practitioner sent me for some blood tests, and I see my neuro next week, so it will good to get some professional feedback and hopefully some answers.

Reflecting on Mayo

Things have settled down now. I had just a single day of treatment on Monday (half the usual dose) with the usual side effects, and rest period to get over it.

Looking back on my visit to the Mayo Clinic, I came away feeling perhaps it was a bit of a waste. It's strange - you go to a place like that with an expectation that they will find something very bad, and have the ability to fix it. Then after all the the effort, pain, and expense, and all they do is confirm something you already know! A tinge of disappointment. Yes, relief as well that there is nothing really serious or terminal. Together with that, is the sinking feeling that now I really do have to move to acceptance of my condition of multifocal motor neuropathy, and plan to deal with it for the rest of my life.

From a medical perspective, the Mayo is very impressive. The trip and the outcome has helped me reflect on the level of care I have been receiving until now. If the Mayo ranks a 10/10, then I would say that the medical resources and care available here in Melbourne, Australia probably ranks about 8/10 (my neurologist concurs with my assessment, although he would hardly be one to argue such a point). I am very fortunate to have access to excellent doctors (my neurologist did time at Mayo, and lots of other Australian doctors do same), and the public health system means that my IVIg is free.

On that basis, someone like me going to the Mayo for an assessment is only of moderately incremental value. If I lived in a small town in the US that didn't have such resources, I would have grounds to be less trustful of my diagnosis, and therefore a trip to a major centre would be easier to justify.

Of course this is all with 20/20 hindsight. Still, yet another useful lesson. Time (and quite a long time) will tell if they treatment approach suggested at the Mayo proves to be valuable.

Blood Patch

With apologies to Neil Young, it's a case of out of the arm, and into the back. That's probably enough of the song lyric mash-ups too. The blood patch is a procedure where they draw some blood out of your arm, and inject it into the spot where they previously did the lumbar puncture (or epidural block, or whatever). The blood congeals, and closes up the hole in the dura and thus stops the CSF leak. That's what is supposed to happen, and the good news is that it worked! The headache subsided after a short time and have all but gone. I've been resting all weekend, and looking forward (not!) to another infusion on Monday.

I found the protocol differences between Australian hospitals and the Mayo clinic to be quite interesting. At the Mayo, lumbar punctures for the purpose of extracting some CSF are mostly done by a technician without the aid of imaging, and they only require you to rest for 30 minutes following the procedure. When I had mine done earlier this year, they did it under x-ray to make sure they found the right spot. It could be my neuro requested that because he knows how much I hate needles, and to make the experience less uncomfortable. The other thing they do here is make you lie flat for 2-4 hours afterwards, to ensure the hole closes, and minimize risk of a CSF leak.

This might just mean that my Mayo Clinic experience is finally over, some days after my return. Have been reflecting on the whole thing, and will post about that shortly.

The tap that keeps on tapping

With apologies to Cyndi Lauper, there's a hole in my back that comes all the way from Rochester. The headache that I've had since last Friday is most likely a result of a CSF leak. This is a side effect of the lumbar puncture I had at the Mayo Clinic, where they stuck a hole in my back to draw out cerebro-spinal fluid, and the hole has not properly closed.

So what's the solution? Poke my back again, and this time inject some of my own blood which will help close the hole. I'm booked into go to shortly to have this procedure done.

This is really getting to me. I agonized as to whether to just keep resting and hope that the hole closed on its own, or to have another uncomfortable procedure to close it, and decided this morning to take this route. It should give me a little more certaintly that the headache will stop once and for all.

Of course I also have to book in for more IVIg juice, and have decided with my neuro to just do one day (instead of the usual two), and do that on Monday after a weekend of rest.

Review with The Man

My last day at Mayo started with the onset of a headache. The little brochure they gave me said that one in three people who have a lumbar puncture experience a headache afterwards. I'm now back in Australia, but was unfortunately unable to leave the headache in the US! It's a dull, throbbing pain, punctuated by bursts of intensity whenever I laugh, cough, or suddenly move my head. What I probably need is some solid R&R time to get over the whole experience.

But back to day 5: I finally get to meet Dr Dyck for a review of all of the test results, and recommendations moving forward. He takes a bit of a history, reviews the documentation, discusses it with the other neurologist present, and confirms the original diagnosis of multifocal motor neuropathy, with conduction blocks in right and left arms. I guess the good news is that there is nothing more insidious there, and I am satisfied that enough diagnosis work has been done to find anything else that could be wrong with me. I explain the side effects that I have experienced, and also show him my hand strength measurement apparatus, and he is suitably impressed. He must be 70-odd, and his finger is able to support over 650g!

As regards dealing with the main condition, he has a few interesting insights. Considering the half-life of IVIg being ten days (contrary to what I've seen online), he is more in favour of smaller doses fortnightly rather than a bigger dose monthly.

There are two schools of thought regarding the use of IVIg for MMN: treat aggressively early on to limit the permanent degradation in hand strength, or delay/limit treatment until the condition gets more severe, because the stuff will eventually stop working. His view is more aligned with the latter: that I should take only as much of the "juice" as is needed to ensure my hand weakness doesn't severely impact my life.

It has been nearly eight weeks since my last juicing, and my hand strength has held up reasonably well - the pain that I was expecting as a result of weakness has not appeared. So I'm thinking that maybe a reduced rate might be in order. He also suggests that it's worth considering different brands of IVIg as they are produced differently, and some may be more effective than others.

He concludes with some general comments about auto-immune disorders: get plenty of sleep (I wish!), eat well, exercise, etc, ... and choose life! He asks me where that phrase comes from, and I recognize it from Deuteronomy (30:19). The quote resonates strongly with me, and I've been thinking since that time about how important my attitude is to all of this. The trip has left me with plenty to consider, as much in terms of treatment as as how to adjust my lifestyle. More once the headache subsides.

Mayo on my mind

Leaving for an assessment at the Mayo clinic in a week, and needless to say it's been on my mind a fair bit. I have no idea what to expect of the process, let alone the outcome. House used to be one of my favourite shows, but lately I cringe at all the poking and prodding (mostly the poking), and now wonder if I am about to become the "special guest star" on an episode.

I didn't have my scheduled treatment a week ago as suggested by the doctor at the Mayo. Definitely didn't miss the experience! The finger strength hasn't degraded quite too badly, which is good.

A few weeks ago, a couple of fingers on my right hand felt sore and slightly inflamed. It felt muscular, but I didn't hurt them, and I have no idea where it came from. It could be anything, but of course my first thought is that it is a new symptom. My neuro acknowledged that there is slight inflammation, but said it isn't necessarily linked. In the meantime, the symptom remains, and hasn't gotten better or worse.

Reflecting on a New Year

Having celebrated Jewish New Year last week, and on the eve of the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, Yom Kippur, I have been relfecting on the last twelve months in my life in the context of my condition. I read somewhere, that someone was asked: "how did your Jewish New Year go?", and he replied: "I'll tell you at the end of the year". We hope and pray for a good year, and that we be inscribed and sealed in the "good book", however the only test of this is time.

On that basis, my Jewish New Year of 2008 didn't go particularly well. Twelve months ago, I could not have imagined myself at this point. My life at present is burdened with uncertainty about the future, regarding my medical condition and several other major issues. The emotions are sitting at the surface just about to burst forth in uncontrollable tears (and they do, every now and then). They need an outlet, and this is a great time of year for that. Hopefully I can look back in another twelve months at a more positive year on all fronts!

I've started planning my trip to the Mayo in November. The doctor has recommended that I stay off the IVIg juice so he can see me without its influence. That means I will be without it for about eight weeks instead of the usual four. The thought of that doesn't make me feel very excited. On the other hand, I want this process to uncover some new insights, so I have to give it every chance of that.

too much juice?

Well, so far, this latest experiment with my medication hasn't been a roaring success. On the first day, the neck soreness was quite severe, accompanied by a sensitivity to light, and that general awfulness feeling (my wife says "you look green"). Fortunately, not much in the way of a headache. On the second day, it wasn't quite as bad. I had the weekend to rest and take it easy, although this morning I woke up with an awful headache. This was probably because of the howling winds that didn't allow me to get the decent night's sleep that I need.

It's quite evident that the juice and I just don't get on well. What I can't stand is that the nasty side effects are very quick to show up, but the positive effects of the treatment usually don't kick in for about a week. That makes me very despondent every time I go in for some juicing. Especially when I wake up in the morning feeling like crap and read puff pieces in the newspaper about little Michael and how IVIg revs him up just like a double espresso. I wish the stuff worked as well for me!